People pleasing sounds like the thing we should do, but in mental health the term is used to describe a behavior that negatively affects relationships.

It can have harmful consequences, especially in an anxious person or dysfunctional relationships.

Most often, it is not truly seeking the good of others.

What is people pleasing?

People pleasing is an automatic stress response (similar to fight, flight, or freeze) where one attempts to avoid conflict and secure safety by appeasing others.

It is often unhelpful relationship behavior that appears outwardly as “pleasing others” but is usually based in fear. Often is based in fear of rejection and abandonment, or a response to compound trauma.

“People pleasing” can also lead to avoidance and neglect of ones own personal needs and wants.

It can contribute to a loss of identity, supporting others at own expense, while limiting the development of necessary relationship skills including healthy emotional expression, boundaries, and assertiveness. It can ultimately lead to resentment or even breaks in relationships.

It can be challenging to recognize people pleasing in oneself as it can feel natural to offer extensive help, be there for others, or say “yes” to other’s requests but may be best to set a healthy boundary. Saying an honest “no” or setting limits can even build trust in personal relationships and allow others to learn from the experience and grow in autonomy, freedom, self-regulation, maturity, self-assurance, and confidence.

People pleasing behavior often looks thoughtful, helpful, or even praiseworthy so it can be reinforced by society or even strict family and cultural expectations.

It can carry on generationally and contribute to struggles of codependent thinking. Many times those who benefit from this behavior will simply see it as kindness while being unaware of the inner anxiety that is felt by the individual that is seeking to please others. Other times the individual that is appeasing, while avoiding certain emotions, will feel resentful or taken advantage of.

“People pleasing” can also be a self serving frame of mind when looked at more closely. There may be expectations of an outcome that is sought by the people pleaser. The going above and beyond, offering self sacrifice in service to others, and so forth, may be thought of as unselfish but could be a self interested way of testing loyalty or earning “love”, acceptance, etc.

Sometimes it can be a way to try manage or cope in situations by learned behavior that “worked” in other relationships or in childhood. This eventually can create tension, imbalances, and damage trust. It can hurt relationships eventually because the person keeps going further and further out of the way for someone while silently expecting reciprocity.

Some ways to know if you are people pleasing:

Consider if your actions or inactions are really necessary or helpful for the other person:

Is it truly your responsibility? Can they do it themselves? Why am I helping? What will happen if I do (or don’t) take action?

Ask yourself if you are in a pattern of giving in passively or attempting to control outcomes by complying with expectations.
Examine if you are trying to earn something (attention, friendship, companionship, love, favor, etc.)
Reflect on whether you are neglecting your own needs:
Are you giving up too much of something? Are you giving away something you need in this? Will you be upset later?
Examine if you are saying no inside, while saying yes outwardly, and if so why?
Carefully consider if your behavior is rooted in a concern with appearances, reputation, fear of criticism or judgement from others.
Example: “What will they think of me?”

Are you seeking acceptance or approval by hiding your true self or feelings? (fear of rejection or abandonment)
Example: "I should do this if I want them to accept or like me” “I shouldn't tell them how I truly feel, they may stop talking to me”

Consider if you are attempting to relieve guilt by actions that look good/kind/loyal.
Example: "I'm a horrible person if I don’t do this” “They will be upset if I don’t do this” “I can’t disappoint them”

Helpful Bible Verses

“Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil.” Matthew‬ ‭5‬:‭37‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians‬ ‭1‬:‭10‬ ‭ESV‬‬

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” Deuteronomy‬ ‭31‬‬:‭6‬ ‭ESV‬‬

“But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation.” James‬ ‭5‬:‭12‬ ‭ESV

Be clear and consider whether your actions are actually good for someone else, examining whether they are truly helpful, or harmful to others or yourself, and not just about your own feelings.

“So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. Give no offense to Jews or to Greeks or to the church of God, just as I try to please everyone in everything I do, not seeking my own advantage, but that of many, that they may be saved.” 1Corinthians 10:31-33 NIV*

*It is important to understand that the above passage from1Corinthians is in the context of freedom of conscience to eat certain foods and partake in meals that allow the believer to be present in situations with an unbeliever or new believer to draw them nearer to Christ.

If it can be for the good of others, as in their salvation, and more importantly glorifies God, it is best to please others without offending our own conscience and without stumbling in our own walk with God.

It may not always feel comfortable to set healthy limits with others but is the better choice, especially if it maintains the integrity, honesty, respect, fairness, and trust in a relationship.

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‍ ‍Author: Jennie Teixeira, LMFT

The Ugly Truth about People Pleasing